In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king

So, today one of my close but abhorrent (causing repugnance; detestable; loathsome: an abhorrent deed) friends was banned from ever stepping foot onto St. Joseph's premises. Something about a gift shop storage room and unlocked doors. Also, for some odd reason, the elevators go from one to five. There's no two, three, or four. Maintenence... Second floor, though the other two floors purpose... They allude me. Another time and another place to ponder the use of the St. Joe's floors. I think it's almost time for me to severe (to break off or dissolve (ties, relations, etc.)) my contact with my friends. Out of selfishness perhaps. I want to inflict more pain onto myself. Into myself. if I cannot do so physically, it is only fitting that I torture myself emotionally.

[Ah, how pathetic.]

[Feel sorry for yourself yet?]

[Stupid, so stupid.]

[Only ever thinking of yourself.]

[Why not just kill yourself already?]

[Save everyone the pain.]

[The suffering.]

[Selfish.]

[Pathetic.]

[We hate you.]

A conversation that seems to have instilled itself within the confines of my mind. No matter how hard I shake I can't seem to dislodge the thoughts. A constant mary-go-round in my head.

I Want to Die

I've already tried to extirpate (to remove or destroy totally; do away with; exterminate) myself once, a little over a week ago [I realize it was a short time ago but my parents are careless and they know nothing, they care for only themselves] and evidently I didn't succeed. But there's this deep pulsing desire to take a razor and slit my wrists. I want to watch the blood pour from the gaping mouths and slowly die on the floor of my bedroom. I want to fill my insides with bottles of pills and end myself. To lock myself in a room and fill it with toxic carbon gas and asphyxiate (to cause to die or lose consciousness by impairing normal breathing, as by gas or other noxious agents; choke; suffocate; smother). I want to kill myself slowly and painfully... Looking back on this, I think that I might be crazy.

Drowning in Effexor

I always knew myself to be pusillanimous (lacking courage or resolution; cowardly; faint-hearted; timid) but lately it seems to have taken itself up a few knotches. I'm hiding from everyone and everything. I'm pushing off social engagements and breaking off relatonships just as they get started. It must have something to do with the fact that I wish to terminate (to bring to an end; put an end to) myself. My desire to chop and mutilate my arms has grown with my ardor (intense devotion, eagerness, or enthusiasm; zeal: his well-known ardor for Chinese art) of annihilation and I'm losing more and more control as the days drag on. We'll just see in the end if I'm strong enough to endure my spurious (not genuine, authentic, or true; not from the claimed, pretended, or proper source; counterfeit) travesties.

Tuesday of Seven and an A.

Welcome to the land of dementia. (Deterioration of intellectual faculties, such as memory, concentration, and judgment, resulting from an organic disease or a disorder of the brain. It is sometimes accompanied by emotional disturbance and personality changes.) My brother still hasn't come back [although I never expected him to] and my Step Father is still on a wild rampage throwing everything in boxes and buckets.